A sex expert has issued a warning to anyone who takes part in a specific fantasy that more than half of married people have admitted to.
We all have our bedroom quirks, but there’s one certain scenario that could mean something is amiss in your current relationship.
‘Solo time’ is part of everyday life – especially if you work for a company that has mandated masturbation breaks.But if you find your mind drifting towards spicy times with an ex-partner, then you could be in trouble. Or not – it really depends.
A survey by Illicit Encounters found that 55 percent of married people admitted to fantasizing about their ex.
Sex and relationships expert Anita Fletcher of Fantasy Dildo Co, a brand specializing in handcrafted adult toys, says while this scenario is far more common than people realize, it can also signal some deeper-rooted issue.
“The shame around ex fantasies is completely unnecessary,” Fletcher explained. “Our minds don’t operate on a strict timeline when it comes to desire and memory.”Fletcher explains there’s solid psychology behind why exes creep into our intimate moments.
“Our brains are wired to hold onto intense experiences, and sexual memories with past partners often fall into this category,” she said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you want them back, but rather it’s about accessing familiar feelings of desire and pleasure.”
It’s almost like ‘muscle memory’ for our imagination. Plus, the fantasy might be less about the actual person and more about feeling desired or remembering a time when you felt sexually confident.
“Often people aren’t really fantasizing about their ex, but how they felt about themselves during that relationship,” Fletcher clarified.
It’s also normal if the fantasy focuses on specific acts or scenarios rather than emotional connection.
“Physical memories can be completely separate from romantic feelings,” she added.But Fletcher emphasizes there’s a clear distinction between using ex fantasies as a tool versus being emotionally stuck.
Thinking about an ex during solo time can be normal, but ‘constant comparison’ to a current partner is often a warning sign.
“Problematic patterns involve obsession, comparison or inability to be present with current partners,” she warned. “If ex fantasies are your only reliable way to climax, or if they’re interfering with your ability to connect with new partners, it might be time to explore what’s underneath.”
It’s also concerning if these fantasies leave you feeling sad, longing or emotionally unsettled afterwards.
“Healthy fantasy should improve your mood, not complicate it,” she noted.
What to do if you’re fantasizing about your ex in a relationship
Certain steps can be taken (Westend61/Getty Images)Certain steps can be taken (Westend61/Getty Images)
Certain steps can be taken (Westend61/Getty Images)
In some cases, people can use these fantasies as a tool to better inform their sex lives.
Fletcher suggests shifting your fantasy patterns by ‘expanding your imaginative repertoire’, adding: “Try focusing on scenarios, sensations, or even fictional characters rather than specific people from your past.”
She also recommends mindfulness during masturbation.
“Pay attention to your body’s responses and the present moment. This can help you discover what you truly enjoy beyond familiar mental scripts,” the expert said.
Finally, Fletcher advises reframing the experience: “Instead of feeling guilty about ex fantasies, use them as information about what you find appealing. Then you can communicate those preferences to future partners.”
Fletcher leaves us with the following advice: “I encourage people to view their fantasy life as a window into their deeper needs and desires. Maybe that ex fantasy isn’t really about wanting them back.
“It might involve missing the confidence you felt, or the specific way they made you feel desired. Once you identify what you’re actually craving, you can pursue it in healthier ways.
“Fantasy should serve your growth, not keep you stuck in the past.”
Featured Image Credit: Goodboy Picture Company/Getty Images
Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships
Ellie Kemp
Ellie Kemp
Advert
Advert
Advert
Expert issues urgent warning about common sex trend that can cause brain damage and strokesExpert issues urgent warning about common sex trend that can cause brain damage and strokes
Home> News> Sex & Relationships
Published 17:40 7 Jul 2025 GMT+1
Expert issues urgent warning about common sex trend that can cause brain damage and strokes
61.3 percent of people admitting in a survey that they’d seen the act depicted in adult videos
Ella Scott
Ella Scott
A sexual health expert says there’s no safe way’ to perform an increasingly ‘normalised’ sexual act, warning it’s way more ‘problematic’ than people are perceiving.
Statistics state that 69 percent of American men and 40 percent of American women view pornography online, with 61.3 percent of people admitting in another survey that they’d seen the act of sexual choking being depicted in adult videos.
Sexual asphyxiation, defined by Web MD experts as ‘the act of choking someone else or yourself for sexual pleasure’, falls under the umbrella of breath play.
This erotic act is prevalent in pornography, and it’s apparently spilling over into real-life sexual encounters, too.
Today (July 7), The Guardian published an article that stated strangulation during sex had become ‘normalised’ to the point among young people that it’s no longer being viewed as ‘problematic’.
Speaking about the common sex trend that has the potential to cause brain damage and strokes, Jane Meyrick, a chartered health psychologist who leads work on sexual health at the University of the West of England, told the publication: “There’s no safe way to do it.
A sexual health expert has explained how sexual choking has become so normalised its no longer considered ‘problematic’ (Getty Stock Image)A sexual health expert has explained how sexual choking has become so normalised its no longer considered ‘problematic’ (Getty Stock Image)
A sexual health expert has explained how sexual choking has become so normalised its no longer considered ‘problematic’ (Getty Stock Image)
“No safe quantity of blood or oxygen you can cut off from her brain for fun.”
Last year, Meyrick said she went to a sexual health conference where scientific data was presented on how harmful sexual strangulation can be.
“Usually, at those conferences, people will be talking about the extremes of what everyone is getting up to in a very sex-positive way,” she recounted.
“When this was presented, you could feel the tension, the internal conflict, in the room, with professionals being unable to reconcile the gap between what they were hearing and their usual sex-positivity.”
Sexual choking can cause depression, memory problems, and in severe cases, death (Getty Stock Image)Sexual choking can cause depression, memory problems, and in severe cases, death (Getty Stock Image)
Sexual choking can cause depression, memory problems, and in severe cases, death (Getty Stock Image)
According to a survey conducted by the Institute for Addressing Strangulation, established with Home Office funding in 2022 after strangulation became a standalone offence, over one third of 16 to 34-year-olds have experienced sexual strangulation.
This is compared to the 16 percent of 35 to 54-year-olds who have admitted to indulging in the practise, and the 3 of those 55 and above.
“Larger academic studies of college students in the US and Australia put it at much higher,” explained Meyrick.
“It has become normalised practice among younger people and not viewed as problematic and most older people have no idea.”
Sexual choking can have minor health risks such as broken blood vessels in your face, a hoarse voice, or trouble swallowing, according to Web MD.
However, other more serious health risks include depression, PTSD and even memory problems.
Death can also occur when there is too much pressure on your carotid arteries – those are the two large blood vessels in your neck that supply blood to your brain.
It’s advised that you seek emergency help if someone partaking in sexual asphyxiation loses consciousness, can’t breathe or can’t speak.
Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Image
Topics: Health, Science, Sex and Relationships, Community, Mental Health
Ella Scott
Ella Scott
Advert
Advert
Advert
Expert reveals the real reasons why men stop having sex in relationshipsExpert reveals the real reasons why men stop having sex in relationships
Home> Community> Life
Updated 16:16 11 Nov 2024 GMT
Published 16:15 11 Nov 2024 GMT
Expert reveals the real reasons why men stop having sex in relationships
Has your man checked out of the relationship sexually? The issue might be one of these seven reasons…
Gregory Robinson
Gregory Robinson
A sex therapist has revealed the real reason why men seemingly lose interest in having sex with their partners.
If you’ve ever noticed your partner no longer wants to be intimate with you, the questions you’re left asking yourself could be why? Is it him? Is it you? Can they change? Or not?
A common dilemma couples in long-term relationships face today is men avoiding bedroom antics, according to Dr Stephen Snyder, a New York-based sex therapist who has treated more than 3,000 couples.
Part of the reason as to why men and women in relationships hit this roadblock may be due to the seven reasons outlined in Dr Snyder’s book, Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship as shared with MailOnline.
So why do men check out of sex in long-term relationships?
Has your relationship lost its spark? (Getty Stock Images)Has your relationship lost its spark? (Getty Stock Images)
Has your relationship lost its spark? (Getty Stock Images)
You might remind him of his mom
Men love it when women smile at them, which may be easier in the beginning stages of a relationship, Dr Snyder explains. This gives men the ‘green light’ to proceed sexually with their partner.
However, problems may arise when they see their partner unhappy for the first time. This links back to a ‘crucial’ developmental step most boys go through at around the age of three, when they push their mothers away.
“Therefore, the first step on the path to becoming a man is to disconnect emotionally and, in some ways, physically,” the expert explains.
“A man dreads seeing a woman looking disappointed with him. Unconsciously, it reminds him of when his mother was unhappy with him, and how helpless that made him feel.”
Avoid the no-sex cycle
This is when a man emotionally withdraws and the woman gets upset and the ‘prospect of sex recedes ever further’. This activates a woman’s fear of being emotionally abandoned.
Linking back to the first reason, the therapist advises women to have a talk with their male partner and say: “Look, there are going to be times when you’ll see me upset and disappointed. When that happens, you don’t have to panic. Trust me, it’s going to be OK.
“We women deal with this kind of stuff all the time. Just don’t run away emotionally, because that will make me really cross.”
The relationship is not doomed (Getty Stock Images)The relationship is not doomed (Getty Stock Images)
The relationship is not doomed (Getty Stock Images)
A lack of understanding of how each other feels pleasure
Women’s minds are more ‘active’, ‘perceptive’ and more ‘aware’ but men’s attention ‘tends to be more limited and more selective’ and this can create a conflict of interest.
The therapist says the ‘cultural script’ says men are supposed to be the active partners and bring ‘excitement and variety to sex’.
While many are able to do this in the early days, it’s unlikely a man will be able to find new ways to make sex feel ‘newly pleasurable’.
He says women therefore have ‘more capacity for pleasure’ than their male partner.
Don’t forget to enjoy your husband/partner
The expert says men are ‘constantly’ told to concentrate on bringing pleasure to their female partners, but this ironically leads to boring sex.
“One of the key ingredients in good love-making is to know your partner enjoys you.”
Enjoy ‘simmering’
Don’t be afraid to enjoy excitement, even if guaranteed sex is not on the menu. Some men apparently avoid activities unless sex is definitely happening, and women are said to avoid doing anything that may give their husbands an erection.
But it’s fine to not follow through with full on sex even if the male partner gets aroused.
“The biggest lesson I can teach a woman? An erection does not have to end with an orgasm,” he said.
“The happiest couples make a point to enjoy small moments of erotic excitement, even when they’re not going to have sex.
“In sex therapy, we call this ‘simmering’ – which means savouring a moment of feeling selfishly connected, purely for its own sake.”
Simmering might include holding hands, stroking each other’s hair, or kissing.
You don’t always have to have sex
Some partners may feel like sex is just a case of going through the motions, without actually enjoying it.
But the key to sex is to make you feel good about yourself, Dr Snyder explains.
“I tell my couples that experiencing an orgasm should be like a delicious dessert. It’s a fine way to end the meal, but who sits down to a three-course dinner only thinking about pudding?”
Ditch the sex schedule
Although everyone is busy these days, and while putting sex in your diary might seem like a solution, this expert says it’s not.
“Desire doesn’t work like that. It’s not like dinner where, if you haven’t eaten by 7pm, you’ll definitely be starving.”
Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Images
Topics: Sex and Relationships
Gregory Robinson
Gregory Robinson
Advert
Advert
Advert
Expert reveals exactly how much your body changes when you stop having sexExpert reveals exactly how much your body changes when you stop having sex
Home> News> Sex & Relationships
Published 20:14 29 Oct 2024 GMT
Expert reveals exactly how much your body changes when you stop having sex
It’s not all bad news, don’t worry
Saskia Calliste
Saskia Calliste
One sex and relationship expert has lifted the lid on exactly what changes your body undergoes when you stop having sex.
Cuffing season may be well and truly upon us, but not everyone is going to be keeping warm under the covers with their partner this winter.
Now, you’ve all heard of a dry spell – and I’m sure most of you have even experienced it yourself – but other than a blow to your self-esteem, what actual changes does the body go through when Netflix and chill really means just that – albeit solo?
The science behind what happens to your body when you abstain from sex has been revealed (LumiNola / Getty Images)The science behind what happens to your body when you abstain from sex has been revealed (LumiNola / Getty Images)
The science behind what happens to your body when you abstain from sex has been revealed (LumiNola / Getty Images)
Fear not as sexpert for Womanizer, Christine Rafe, has kindly broken down and revealed the science behind the changes your body does, and doesn’t, go through during a dry spell.
What happens to the body when you stop having sex?
While you may expect certain changes to occur, the actual science behind it suggests not much is changing at all.
Rafe explained: “While there are recognized physical, emotional and psychological benefits to engaging in solo or partnered sexual activity (including outercourse or non-penetrative sex), this does not mean that there are negative consequences associated with not being sexually active.”
However, experts have explained how our body does go through a process known as ‘deconditioning’ during a time when sex is not on the cards.
Don’t worry, there’s not ‘use it or lose it’ situation going on here (Maria Korneeva / Getty Images)Don’t worry, there’s not ‘use it or lose it’ situation going on here (Maria Korneeva / Getty Images)
Don’t worry, there’s not ‘use it or lose it’ situation going on here (Maria Korneeva / Getty Images)
What is deconditioning?
Well, deconditioning basically means becoming less primed for intercourse.
Rafe explained: “In the same way we might experience a reduced confidence, muscle tightness and overall deconditioning from not exercising, people who haven’t had sex, or who stop having sex for prolonged periods may experience deconditioning to sexual activities and find that they have muscle tightness or soreness, difficulties in ejaculatory control and a loss of confidence in sexual activity.”
The sex and relationships expert did make it clear that ‘these are not long-term biological changes’, however.
Thank God for that.
We all know sex has its benefits, but if you’re not having any, that’s ok too (Flashpop / Getty Images)We all know sex has its benefits, but if you’re not having any, that’s ok too (Flashpop / Getty Images)
We all know sex has its benefits, but if you’re not having any, that’s ok too (Flashpop / Getty Images)
What are the benefits of having sex?
We’ve long been told the benefits of having a sexually active lifestyle, and Rafe has certainly backed up those claims.
However, don’t worry if you’re not getting any this cuffing season as there are no health downsides to not having sex either.
“There is no substantive research or evidence concluding that there are negative health impacts for someone who chooses to not have sex, or to stop having sex,” Rafe explained.
The benefits you ask, though?
Well, the expert explained that when it comes to hormones, ‘the chemicals released during sexual pleasure, whether solo or with others, include oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin and dopamine’.
She added: “These are our happy/feel-good chemicals, and they can improve mood and energy levels [and] increase motivation.”
On top of that, we’ve heard all about the benefits of sex reducing stress, which can therefore impact mood and the immune system.
Happy humping everyone, or not… either is fine.
Doctor issues warning for what happens when you stop masturbating forever as reality star reveals 10-year abstinenceDoctor issues warning for what happens when you stop masturbating forever as reality star reveals 10-year abstinence
Home> News> Health
Published 16:46 3 Jul 2025 GMT+1
Doctor issues warning for what happens when you stop masturbating forever as reality star reveals 10-year abstinence
Penises literally start to shrink… just think about that for a moment.
Dan Seddon
Dan Seddon
Dr Tara Suwinyattichaiporn has underlined why you should never take an anti-masturbation stance in life.
Believe it or not, but ‘bashing the bishop’ (or ‘shaking hands with the milkman’) is an incredibly healthy exercise for one’s body to go through, not just some sleazy act to be associated with boredom or singledom.
Reality TV personality Madison Prewett, who appeared in the 2020 series of the The Bachelor, recently revealed she’d abstained from ‘sexual sin’ for the last decade, but that’s not something to be shouting about from the hills because the health implications are really quite dreadful.
Opening up on her decision on the Stay True podcast, the mum-of-one reflected on how a rekindled faith empowered her to switch off from watching adult content and pleasuring herself.
Masturbation is an important component of a healthy lifestyle (Getty Stock Images)Masturbation is an important component of a healthy lifestyle (Getty Stock Images)
Masturbation is an important component of a healthy lifestyle (Getty Stock Images)
“This has been a struggle,” she declared to her listeners. “This has been a huge part of my testimony, something I’ve struggled with since middle school.
“And thankfully, by the grace of God, and by the power of the Godly community and people around me, I have been free from porn and masturbation for… I don’t even know, 10 years?”
Sex and relationship expert Suwinyattichaiporn has analysed exactly what happens inside the human body during a dry though, and Prewett might want to take notice.
A 2021 study at the UCLA discovered 38 percent of 18 to 30-year-old Californians had no sexual partners in the year prior, up from 22 percent in 2011. Dr Suwinyattichaiporn told The Daily Mail that abstaining from sex and masturbation can lead to extreme symptoms arising in the body, as well as mental health impacts.
Guys in particular might want to consider the very real phenomenon of penile atrophy – where the tissue of the penis becomes less elastic, causing it to shrink by up to two centimetres.
The chances of prostate cancer increase if you don’t relief yourself (Getty Stock Images)The chances of prostate cancer increase if you don’t relief yourself (Getty Stock Images)
The chances of prostate cancer increase if you don’t relief yourself (Getty Stock Images)
Tobias Kohler, assistant professor of urology at Southern Illinois University School of Medicine, revealed to WebMD: “If [men] don’t do anything to maintain normal erections, they will get shortening of the penis.”
However, the science linking not having sex to penile atrophy hasn’t reached a conclusion on how long it takes for the condition to develop.
Suwinyattichaiporn claimed it would likely take upwards of five years of no sex to occur.
For women, vaginal atrophy can affect those who have penetrative sex less often. It’s when the vaginal walls become drier and thinner and can result in burning, itching, or pain during intimacy.
Even more frighteningly, blokes’ chances of being diagnosed with prostate cancer increase if they don’t have sex for long periods of time.
The correlation lies in the sperm, as researchers believe that carcinogens build up in the prostate over time, which increases the risk of cancer, but studies have found that ejaculating regularly may prevent cancer because it flushes out the harmful chemicals in the semen (via Urology Care Foundation).
As previously mentioned, there’s a mental health dimension to the warnings as well, with Suwinyattichaiporn observing that those who don’t masturbate or engage in sexual activities on the regular can experience exacerbated stress levels due to sexual frustration, anxiety, depression and anger issues.