I’m in my late twenties and have been with my boyfriend — also in his late twenties — for nearly two years now. He is a good man and I love him deeply. A couple of months after we started dating, a close friend of his, “Jane,” broke up with her boyfriend. She took it really hard and my boyfriend was there for her quite a lot. I did not initially have a problem with this as it was mainly just spending time with her and giving her a shoulder to cry on. Two months after Jane’s breakup, my boyfriend decided to plan a trip to his hometown, inviting Jane, me, and another couple he’s friends with. It would’ve been the first time I met his parents. Soon after he began planning the trip, he turned around and disinvited me, saying that it would be too difficult for Jane to be around two couples. I was hurt, but tried to work through this.
After the disinvitation, my parents planned a trip to come to visit me, which coincidentally happened right before my boyfriend’s weekend trip home. I thought that even though I wasn’t meeting his parents, we could organize so he could meet mine for the first time. He agreed, but then he and Jane both booked tickets two days before they had originally planned and before my parents were set to arrive. I was furious. I thought it was a clear sign of infidelity and broke up with him. He begged me to stay and swears that he doesn’t believe he committed any emotional infidelity.
Since then, we have been working hard to build up the trust he broke. It took a good couple of months before he was able to implement some strict and appropriate boundaries with Jane. During this time I found out that he had told her about our fights (that were essentially about her). I felt utterly humiliated. Around eight months later I found out he’d lied about seeing her on our 1-year anniversary (we had dinner planned and he said their meeting was brief). One of my asks was that he keep me informed of when he was going to meet her. Also, he bought her a present (a book), which he’d also bought me, but he hadn’t told me he’d bought one for her.
Every time I think things are working better, I feel like another lie comes out. On the day-to-day things he’s a great boyfriend: he’s supportive, kind, and funny, and he cooked for me every day while I was studying for some exams. But I can’t seem to get past this, and I don’t know if I’m being played for a fool here or if I’m being too hard on him. Do I leave or do I stay? — Not His JaneYou’re fixated on the wrong thing here. In thinking about whether or not you should continue this relationship, you are focusing only on your suspicion that your boyfriend is cheating on you – at least emotionally – with Jane, and you’re obsessing over any potential signs of said cheating, from the kind of gift he gave Jane (and didn’t initially tell you about) to what day on the calendar he spends time with her. This stuff is pretty insignificant though, especially considering that you don’t need a sign to know that your boyfriend has been a disrespectful jerk, which is reason enough to leave him. The fact that he invited you to meet his parents for the first time and then disinvited you because your presence “would be too hard for Jane” is a much bigger deal than the fact that he gave Jane the same book he gave you or that he saw her briefly on your 1-year anniversary.
You say that on the “day-to-day things he’s a great boyfriend,” but his cooking for you while you’re studying for exams doesn’t negate the deep sense of betrayal you feel. It doesn’t matter how funny and kind he is when you have daily dread over a friendship he has with a woman whose feelings he has prioritized over yours on at least one very significant occasion. You call him a “great boyfriend,” but if he’s blowing off an opportunity to meet your parents after two years of dating you by leaving town a couple days earlier than planned, unnecessarily, with a woman he’s bringing home to meet his parents instead of you, he’s not great, and no amount of well-timed, home-cooked meals will make up for how insignificant he’s made you feel.
Bottom line, when deciding whether or not to continue a relationship, pay the most attention to how that person makes you feel. And if it’s not a great feeling, it’s not a great relationship and it’s time to move on already.